How to Raise Grown-Ass Adults: Election Edition!

In the last few days, I’ve run across the same question repeated by parents: how do I explain this election/Donald Trump to my children? It’s simple and can be done in five easy steps (well, the first one isn’t easy and it’ll probably take a minute…)

1. In an age-appropriate way, explain racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, misogyny, classism, ageism, ableism, rape culture, and hatred.**

2. Avoid metaphors, they usually confuse things. Kids are concrete. Be concrete.

3. Don’t sugar-coat it.** Making things softer and more palatable only wraps your child in a bubble of privilege and makes them unable to recognize oppression and injustice when they witness it.

4. Listen to them and answer their questions honestly, even when the answer is “I don’t know” or “because they are motivated by hatred and fear” or “some women are complicit in their own oppression.”

5. Hug them, you will both need it. Step 1 is going to hurt like hell.

We are not raising boys and girls, we are raising Grown-Ass Men and Women. We are raising the future. If things are ever going to get better, we have to stop obscuring ugly truths and start doing the hard work of raising Grown-Ass Adults.

We can not afford to shield our children. If you believe in justice, if you believe in what is right and good, tell your kids the truth. They deserve it and they’re stronger than you know.

And one last step (because with kids there’s always one more thing):

6. REPEAT steps 1-5 as needed. I recommend every month or so. They were probably only listening to ⅔ of what you said the first time. You’re never going to be as interesting as Minecraft. Ever.

Good luck. Parenting was never supposed to be easy.

-DW

** If you don’t know how to do this, find a parent who is of a different race, sexuality, gender, religion, or cultural background from your own. Ask them how they did this with their own children because I guarantee they already have. 

The Muslim woman down the block has already told her precocious seven year old tomboy what to do when someone tries to pull off her hijab.

The Black father of the kindergartner in your daughter’s class has already taught his quiet, kind son exactly what to say and do in order to stay alive when he is harassed by the police for the first, second, and hundredth time.

The parents of a shy twelve year-old (trans)girl have already explained the slurs, the names, the hatred their daughter suffered when she was brave enough to show up to junior high dressed as herself.

The undocumented parents of US-born children have already explained how to handle difficult questions from teachers, doctors, neighbors, friends.

The mother who barely survived her rape has already explained rape culture to her four year old daughter. (You bet your ass I did.)

The dads of those adorable twins in your son’s second grade class have already explained what “faggot” means because they heard it for the first time when they were three - that (almost) perfect day with the butterflies and the ice cream cones.

... you get the gist, right? If you don't,  let me know. I can - and will - continue. Because maybe the question you should really be asking is not how do I explain these things to my children but rather, why haven't I explained these things before?

Safety Pins: The latest accessory in White slacktivism

Dear Well-Meaning White People,

Solidarity Safety Pins seem like a good idea. They really do. You want a way to communicate that you care, that you’re an ally, that you are a safe place for all POC, women, the LGBTQ+ community, undocumented neighbors, immigrants, the disabled, and anyone not White. You want to send a silent message of support and solidarity by pinning a safety pin to your lapel, a visual symbol to let Others (and yes, that’s capitalized for a reason) know you’re here for them.

Here’s the problem: when you wear one, the only person who feels safer is YOU.

I’m a straight white middle-aged college-educated woman. That is my demographic. 52% of my demographic voted for Trump. We elected him, this is a verifiable fact. To strangers, I am nothing more than a representative of the demographic that was pivotal is cementing their (and our own) oppression. It doesn’t matter what my personal politics are, who I voted for, how much work I have or haven’t done for The Cause. The world sees me as a straight, white, middle-class woman. And right now, we are ALL suspect.

Wearing a safety pin on my (privileged) lapel communicates a clear message but it isn't the one you think. It goes more like this:

I’m scared.

I’m scared that White people have finally fucked up so bad that we’ve broken the country.

I’m scared of being looked at with suspicion and derision and hatred by strangers.

I’m scared of being made uncomfortable whenever I see anyone different than me.

I’m scared that one of Those People might challenge me, ask me why I didn’t do more, say more, advocate more, fight harder. And I’m scared that Those People have a point.

Please don’t confront me.

Please don’t make me uncomfortable.

Please don’t ask any more of me than this “silent message.”

I’m one of the good ones.

I’m not part of the problem.

I’m not responsible for any of this.

So, please. Please stop with the safety pins. They are the latest accessory of White slacktivism, they are a sign of guilt and fear and privilege. Stop avoiding the awkward conversations, the sideways looks, the suspicion “that seemed to come out of nowhere” and “is so unfair to me as an individual.”

Fairness isn’t relevant. We killed ‘fair’ a long time ago.

White people delivered their “silent message” on Tuesday. If you don’t agree with it, it’s time you got loud. It’s time you did something more than a symbolic gesture. Open your mouth. Open your heart. And open your wallet. That $4.99 you just spent on a 250 pack of safety pins could have been donated to the NAACP, the ACLU, or the SPLC.

And next time someone looks at you with distrust, wariness, or suspicion, live in that. We have earned it. Learn to be uncomfortable; that’s the only way to grow as individuals and the only way we can hope to change things for the better.

And please... for the love of all that is sacred and good, for the chance of ever making it through this next four years, for our friends and neighbors and family still searching for a tiny scrap of hope, for the pioneers and visionaries who fought and died for our few remaining civil rights, for our children and grandchildren, for the last 200 years of progress, please... GET LOUD.

-DW